Tuesday, December 29, 2009

To My Friend

Advanced Calculus. It was one of the toughest course, to me. And my outstanding marks was not something to be proud of. Worried and sad at the same time. I am graduating soon.
We were getting ready to go to the campus for the final exam. I checked everything, I got everything.. or so I thought.

I was about to walk out to the door when suddenly she said,
"Did you leave something behind?"
"No..." I replied. Still worried.
"Are you sure?" She asked again, looking straight at me.
"No...I don't think so" Honestly, I didn't think so.

We boarded the bus and arrived safely at the creepy hall. It was not haunted of course, but it was the examination hall, hence the precise description of the hall. And, it was my Advanced Calculus final exam! Recalling the triple integration question sent chill down the spine.

I sat somewhere, my mind was blurry. Then, like a thunder it came. I left my calculator!
And she knew that I left it, she must have seen it...she was referring to my calculator.
Panic turned into horror. But I tried to be calm.
My lecturer walked by with his cheerful smile and slowly I raised my hand.
"Sir...do you happen to have a calculator?"
"O..you don't need one.."
"I don't?...."

It was a relief to hear that, I calmed down for a while.
No... you are the lecturer, YOU don't need a calculator, I am the student and not a very brilliant one. I need a calculator.

That was 20 years ago. I passed the paper, without using a calculator.
I graduated, yes.. Alhamdulillah.
But the incident gave me nightmares for a few years. I would wake up in the middle of the night, holding my chest in panic until I realized, Fuhh... I've graduated. And went back to sleep smiling.

That girl was my roommate. My best friend. I was mad and disappointed, why can't she just tell me that I left the calculator? Why? It would've saved me from all those heartbreaking moments.
But, she is my best friend. I forgive her. I forgave her, long time ago.

My friend, if you are reading this, please write to me. We could laugh together about this.

Forgive Me

I have no plan to quit
I have no intention to give up

I have no other dreams to chase

I have loads of reasons to
I have countless excuses to

But still
I have no other dreams to chase
Only one
Pleasing HIM
And, this is the way

This is the road I chose to tread on
Arduous I know
Strenuous I know

I made the promise to HIM
Long before
That HE is my Lord
I bear witness

My patience running thin
My heart sorrowful
My soul weary

One day
When I face HIM kneeling down
I hope that day will be
The day that HE will have mercy on me

Please forgive me
Ya Ghaffar
Ya Arhamar Rahimiin..

Monday, December 28, 2009

A Happy Holiday

The recent long weekend was a happy one for me. Alhamdulillah...

It was my cousin's wedding, in Taiping, on Saturday. Since it was quite a distance to travel there, my brother suggested that we stay overnight in chalets in Taiping the day before the wedding. The plan was actually made few months back.

Thanks to my brother who volunteered to make the bookings for all of us, it was really a nice place with beautiful landscape and clean rooms.

Out of my 9 siblings, only 4 were able to make it, and another one came on the day of the wedding itself.

So, in total there were 21 of us, ranging from 7 months to 50 years old.

The children enjoyed playing in the pool ( no photos though, because my camera went kaput at that time...hmm). The pool is meant only for children, judging from the depth of the water, but still, adult supervision is a must.
The trip was actually meant for attending the wedding, but I forgot to take pictures of the newlyweds. In fact, there's no photos at all at the wedding. So, there's no evidence that we actually went to the wedding..haha..

The photo below was taken on the way back home.

Looking at the speed limit of 110kmh on the highway reminded me of the same number written on the highways in Germany, but the difference is that 110kmh there is not the limit but the recommended speed, because German autobahn(highway) has no speed limit.

As I was admiring the breathtaking scenery along the highways, I concluded that Malaysia, my home, has it's own beauty. And our highways are definitely comparable with the highways in Germany, if not better.

Traveling in Malaysia is always a pleasure, with no worries about halal food, resting area and most importantly comfortable surau to perform prayers, to worship HIM.

All praise and thanks to HIM, the One whom we must never forget at anytime, anywhere, at home or on holidays.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

DIA Sedang Berbicara Dengan Mu

Kau jatuh lagi?
Pedih terasa lukamu?
Bukankah kau ingin belajar tentang sabar?
Bukankah kau ingin belajar tentang ikhlas?
Bukankah kau ingin mencari keyakinan?

DIA Maha Mengetahui lintasan hatimu
DIA Maha Melihat setiap langkahmu
DIA Maha Mendengar rintihan jiwamu

DIA Maha Penyayang
DIA Maha Pengampun
DIA Maha Memelihara
DIA Maha Adil

Kau jatuh kerana tadi langkahmu tersalah,
Kau luka
Luka itu akan menjadi parut,
Yang akan senatiasa tampak oleh matamu,
Yang akan mengingatkanmu,
Bahawa bila kau salah langkah,
Kau pasti akan jatuh.

Kau merasa kepedihannya
Kepedihan itu untuk mengingatkan kau,
Bahawa bila kau salah langkah,
Kau akan merasa akibatnya,
Akibat yang pedih.

Kau tidak sesat di perjalanan,

Itulah tanda KasihNYA padamu
Kau tak dibiarkan
Kau tak ditinggalkan
DIA sentiasa melihatmu
DIA sentiasa memeliharamu

Bila kau sedang dalam kepedihan,
DIA sedang berbicara denganMU
"Berdoalah kepadaKU, nescaya akan KU perkenankan bagi mu"

Saturday, December 19, 2009


Dialogue from the movie, The Blind Side.

Beth: You're changing that boy's life.
Leigh Anne: No, he's changing mine.

Change occur in our life continuously. The only time change are not desirable is when it is a change for the worse. Change for the better is what we always yearn for.
We yearn for a better life, a better world.

My life changes every day. And sometimes when I thought that I had helped someone to change to be a better person, it is actually that person who has changed me.
My profession in education has brought many significant changes in my life. Students come and go, and every time they came back to thank me for changing their life, I am humbled by the fact that it was them who has changed mine.
From them, I learned about patience and perseverance. I learned about discipline, hard work and determination. I learned to be a better person.
I don't get to choose my students. I believe every one of my students who were, are and will be in my class are chosen by Allah The Almighty. I accepted them with no prejudice, I tried my best not to be judgemental.
Sometimes the changes that they brought to me are so tremendous that the memory of them stays permanently in my heart and mind and the relationship with them remained until years after they graduated.

To all my students,
It has been a pleasure having you in my class,
I am privileged to have the opportunity of knowing you,
The honour is always mine.

2nd Muharram, 1431 Hijrah
( In commemoration of the new hijrah year )

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A Lesson About Honesty

I remember a true story narrated by my housemate some 20 years ago when we were still undergraduate students in Canada.

She was on the bus on the way home after finishing class.

Along the way, the bus stopped and a very young boy ( at primary school age ) got on the bus. He paid the bus fare through the slot machine beside the driver, using a lot of coins.
After all the coins were in, then only he discovered to his horror that it was 10 cents short.
The bus driver let him sit on the bus anyway.
But the boy was obviously feeling upset. He told the driver that he will pay the remaining amount, sounding very guilty.

Before getting down from the bus the boy again told the driver that he will pay the balance. The driver simply nodded acknowledging his words.
Then the boy went down from the bus, but before the door was shut, he turned again to face the driver and said,

"I will pay, okay? Look.. Look at my face, remember my face.. remember me..I will pay, okay?"

That was really sweet of him. He was very concern that the bus driver would not recognize him or forgot his look and he just had to make sure that the driver had a good look at him.
The heartwarming and touching incidence was being witnessed by the entire bus passengers, including my housemate.

Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, " Sin makes the heart restless".

Enough said.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lost and Found

They called it TomTom, it's a portable GPS car navigation system. A detail road map complete with voice instruction.

People use it when they are traveling to a place that they are not accustomed to. That's a photo of my brother holding the TomTom that he used when we traveled around Europe. He even used it when we were walking on foot in the streets of Milan, Italy. It was funny that sometimes we had to stop to wait for the device to process the instruction, because once we took the wrong way the device would give a warning, then it will recalculate and reprocess the navigation to give a new direction.

I don't have a TomTom. I don't think I need one here in Malaysia, my home. If I am lost, I can always ask someone, or call someone to help me.

That happened to me a lot today. I was going to IIUM campus in Gombak. My husband told me that it's very easy if I take the new DUKE highway. But I did not pay much attention to the direction he gave because I will be taking the usual route that I am used to. So, when I was on the road this morning, following the road sign on the highway, I made a turn somewhere that says, Kuantan and Gombak. Only then I realized that I was actually on DUKE highway. But I got confused when I reached the Sentul toll plaza. Why am I at Sentul? Where am I now?
So, I pulled over just before the toll, put on my hazard light and started making phone call. My husband did not pick up his phone. Called my nephew at home but he couldn't help. Then I remembered someone. Who could be better in giving me direction other than the person who built the highway? Duh... So I called my schoolmate who was involved in the construction of the highway. Following the direction he gave I arrived safely. It was so easy. Really.

At the IIUM campus, I was lost again when trying to find the office that I am suppose to go to. So I asked one of the security guard for direction. Again it was so easy, the office was just right at the main entrance. On the way, I met one of my students who greeted me with his wide grin and seeing me a bit lost he offered his help to show the way. But I said I am okay.
The office that I went to was closed. I was not in a hurry, so I am prepared to wait for the office to open until I was told that it is closed until Thursday! Today is Tuesday..hmm.. I can't wait that long..

Wandering around with nothing to do, I decided to go to the mosque. I can see the minaret, so I found my way easily.
I was getting bored, I went out and tried to figure out how to go to the library when I met another student of mine. I asked for the direction and he happily said that he is on the way there. So I walked with him to the library while he shared some of his new experience here.
Inside the library. I haven't been there for quite some time, I was wandering again until one student greeted me. " Madam, how are you? I was your student, remember me? " He looked familiar. He introduced himself and after some warm catching up conversations he pointed to me the direction of the place that I was looking for.

After having a discussion with one student at the library, it's time for me to leave. Getting out of the building, I was lost again. I was about to send a message to another student to tell him that I am lost, when suddenly I bumped into him. He was supposed to have a class, but it was canceled. I asked for the direction to CAC building where I parked my car. He was giving me the direction when suddenly another student called. She was looking for me and I was explaining to her where I am with the help of the other student. Within a few minutes she appeared with a bright smile. I said good bye to the other student and walked with her enjoying a friendly cheerful chat. She lead me near to CAC building and upon seeing the parking lot where my car was parked, I said thanks to her and we parted our ways.

Driving back home, I couldn't help smiling. It was interesting what had happened to me today. I was lost so many times and yet I found the way with the help of so many kind people today. My nephew said he found it so amusing when I told him that I actually called one of the engineer who built the highway to ask for direction. Well.. he is my friend, that's what friends are for, isn't it? He sounded surprise to receive my call this morning. I can't blame him considering the fact that this is the first time I called him on the phone since 28 years! We only recently met in our class reunion. Sorry for disturbing you so early in the morning, my friend.

I am right. I don't need a TomTom here. It's so much more enjoyable getting help from people rather than using a device.
Thank you to all my friendly TomToms today. May Allah reward you all for your kindness.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Reality of Marriage

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'un....
The photo on the left shows a grief-stricken young bride who lost her husband after just 4 hours of the 'nikah' or solemnization ceremony.
The bridegroom died in a car accident together with his parents and another friend. May Allah's blessing and forgiveness be granted to them.

My heart goes out to her, may Allah give her strength and patient in this difficult and trying time.
The tragedy hit me and made me realize even more that life is short and we could return to our Creator at any time.

It also touched me deeply and it left me pondering and contemplating about the reality of marriage.
Marriage is sacred, it is a bond made in the name of Allah.
A bond that comes with a set of rules and responsibilities where we would be held accountable on the day of judgement.

It is natural that everyone of us dream of a blissful marriage with beautiful children and a comfortable home. But, life is actually a test, where marriage is just one part of the test. Marriage demands a lot of patience and sacrifice.
It is not as simple as two people falling in love, get married and they live happily ever after.
Love alone is insufficient to build a strong and peaceful marriage.
Prophet Muhammad SAW taught us to check on four aspects as a guide in choosing a life partner; wealth, beauty, family background and religion. But, he emphasized on the religious aspect as the main priority as it is the one that can bring the true spiritual contentment. Praying for guidance in the form of solat istikharah and placing our full trust in Allah in making the decision base on the prayer is an obligation.

Having a special boyfriend/girlfriend, going out on a date, spending time together with the excuse of getting to know someone before taking the steps into marriage is prohibited and not recognized in Islam. Many 'couple' has fallen into the trap of syaitan and committed sins in the name of 'love'. Without a sincere repentance, the sins would darken the hearts, and haunt them forever without them realizing it.

It is not just about having a happy family or beautiful children. The purpose of marriage should not be limited to fulfilling the physical and emotional needs. Human are created first as a spiritual creature, hence will always be in pursuit of spiritual happiness. A happiness that can only be achieved when we fulfilled our spiritual needs, that is to worship our Creator and to return to Him with a sound heart ( qalbun saliim ). We need to have the right perspective on our purpose in life, where we came from, why are we here and where are we going.

Some marriage last a life time, or may be just a few hours, or it could end in divorce. A blessed marriage is not judged by any material or social achievement. It is a marriage that will take us to the gate of paradise.

"The day when wealth and sons avail not (any man), except him who comes to Allah with a sound heart (free from evil)" As Syuara':88-89

Friday, December 4, 2009

They Are Special

It's Friday.
They came today.
of them.
I don't even know their names except two of them.
They came straight from the masjid right after the Jumaat prayer, with Qur'an in their hands.

A feeling of peace crept into my heart at their presence.
Before they arrived, I have this odd uneasy feeling inside that's difficult to describe. That feeling somehow gone after seeing them.

After a brief discussion and taking their chosen location, they began reciting the verses from Surah Al-Baqarah. How soothing it sounds. I have always enjoy listening to Qur'anic recitation, especially from among the huffaz. They have this tune which is distinguished to them, a simple but distinct tune and they recited beautifully with such a deep passion.

I decided to sit in a corner at the corridor between the two rooms where four of them were reciting. As I began to open the Qur'an in my hands, suddenly I felt so overwhelmed with the sound of these sacred verses that filled the whole floor. The powerful aura of Surah Al-Baqarah rendered me to tears. For a good two, three minutes I cried. My shaking hands were flipping the pages of the Qur'an, and with a lot of difficulties and trembling voice, I begun reciting. After some 20 verses, a sense of peace and comfort emerged in my heart and my recitation was in harmony with them. Such a delightful feeling. I felt the blessing descended upon my surrounding. Subhaanallah...This is an experience that I wouldn't miss for anything.

The session lasted about one and a half hour. As a few of them gathered, I thank them and gave a small token of appreciation to the one in charge. He politely declined. But I insisted. To me it is an obligation to show gratitude to their willingness to accept my invitation for the occasion today.
My 80 year old father, himself a learned man, always pay special attention to a few of his grandchildren as they have memorized the entire Qur'an.
He always stressed the fact that someone who has the holy Qur'an in his/her heart is indeed special.

As I said my thanks to all of them before they left, I felt so elated.
The surrounding felt different.
Alhamdulillah...All praise and thanks to Allah, The Almighty, the One who sent the Qur'an through the great angel Jibriel, to our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

My prayers are for them, the thirteen special guests of the day. Al Qur'an al Kareem, is the book of guidance. The ability to memorize it is bestowed only to an exceptional person, the selected few.
Their parents must be very proud of them and their families are certainly blessed.
May Allah preserves the light that has entered their heart, may Allah give them strength to practice the teachings of the Qur'an.
And most importantly, may Allah keep their heart continuously sincere and humble, for an arrogant heart is not the place for this miraculous gift.

It's a blessed Friday, with my special guests. Thirteen of them.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Hujan yang mendamaikan.

Ya Allah
Ya Rahmaan, Ya Rahiim..
Turunkanlah rahmatMu kepada kami
Di sebalik hujan yang turun membasahi bumi

Ya Allah
Ya Ghaffar, Ya 'Afuw..
Ampunkanlah kesalahan kami
Hapuskan dosa-dosa kami

Ya Allah
Ya Quddus, Ya Salam..
Bersihkan hati kami, sejahterakan akal kami

Ya Allah
Sepertimana bersihnya bumi ini seusai hujan turun
Bersihkanlah jiwa kami
Agar mampu melihat
Jalan-jalan yang berliku
Dalam mencari Mu

Amiin Ya Rabbal Aalamiin..

Monday, November 23, 2009

Di Hening Malam

(Ditujukan untuk diriku dan insan-insan yang telah memilih jalan yang sukar demi mencari Cinta Agung yang Abadi)

Di waktu hening malam
Di waktu sepi sebarang bunyi
Di waktu manusia di alam mimpi
Embun pagi membasahi bumi

Bangunlah insan
Bangunlah buangkanlah selimutmu
Sucikan badanmu dan pakaianmu
Sujudlah, menyembah, membesarkan Tuhanmu

Panjatkanlah doa
Pohonkan ampunan dariNya
Agar bersih hatimu dan juga akalmu
Tundukkan nafsumu kepada kebenaran

Pangkat dan darjat yang tinggi
Bagi yang berjaga malam
Di waktu malam yang sunyi sepi
Untuk Tuhan
Tertinggi lagi terpuji

Bangunlah insan
Bangunlah buangkanlah selimutmu
Sucikan badanmu dan pakaianmu
Sujudlah, menyembah, membesarkan Tuhanmu

Jadikanlah malam
Merintih dan mengadu
Kepada Tuhamnu
Agar kerja kita

Nasyid oleh Diwani

Ya Qawi..
Berikan kami kekuatan
Untuk melawan nafsu
Di hujung malam
Mengadu kepadaMu

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Crying Again?

"When was the last time you cry?"
I remembered asking students in my class.
Some of the girls smiled, "Last night.." One of them said.
"Last week.." another one said.

But the boys gave me an emotionless look.
"We don't cry, Madam..man don't cry..."
I imagine that those words were in their mind.
May be. I don't know, because none of them said anything.

There are many categories of tears, I agree to the opinion that there are three categories of tears.

The first one is physical tears. You fell down, your feet got twisted..ouch! That hurts!It is so painful, that tears came out from your eyes. That's physical tears. This is the kind of tears that mothers will remind their young sons, "Don't cry..you are a boy.."

The second one is emotional tears.
You are watching a Bollywood movie. The handsome hero died, so the girl was left alone, heart broken..and she ended up being forced to marry the man that she could never love because her true love has died. Tears welled up in your eyes, how sad that is..why does the movie has a sad ending?...You cried.

The third one is the kind of tears shed by prophets, faithful believers and righteous people. Tears of repentance are shed in the darkness of the night by faithful believers and righteous people while seeking for forgiveness from The Most Forgiving, Al-Ghaffar. Tears of love shed by prophets, how they yearned to return to The Most Loving, Ar-Rahmaan, Ar-Rahiim. The heavy burden of carrying the message of truth always make prophets cry in the privacy of their night prayers, begging for the divine help and guidance. These noble men found solace through their tears. This is called spiritual tears.

We shed physical tears when we are physically touched. It's quite natural that when we experience unbearable pain, tears would flow even from the eyes of the toughest man. I saw someone who's very close to me cried quietly after his coronary bypass surgery. He is the type of man who can endure pain, nothing is ever too painful to him, but a heart surgery is not a joke. I cannot imagine the pain that he went through after his ribcage is opened and clamped to the sides, the rib bones had to be cut, not to mention the surgery for the heart itself. On that day I understood why morphine is actually a useful drug, to help people in the most severe pain.

When we are emotionally touched, our tears flow out of happiness or sadness. People cry at funeral, wedding, graduation day or farewell party. If it is out of sadness, we feel the pain inside, we are not hurt physically but it is painful. Crying can be a form of relief from this pain. If it is out of happiness, we feel the joy inside, so much joy that it brought tears. But sometimes emotional tears can also come out over such a mundane thing that it can be considered as useless tears.

Spiritual tears is the most gratifying of all. A new Muslim revert often relate their experience of being moved to tears the moment they recognize the truth and found the light of Islam that they have been searching for years.
A pilgrim would cry upon seeing the Kaabah for the first time and performing a prayer in Raudhah in our beloved Prophet's (SAW) mosque can move even the hardest heart to tears.
It is a mixture of indescribable feelings but it is not out of pain. When we can feel our insignificant existence in this gigantic universe, we are spiritually touched and our tears flow out of realization that whatever we 'own' is nothing. There's no reason for us to walk on earth arrogantly.

Sometimes we mistakenly presume that tears is a symbol of weakness or femininity. Boys who had been trained by their parents not to cry tend to misunderstood the function of tears and felt ashamed to cry.
While it is true that women cry more than men, it is the category of tears that makes a difference, it is not a privilege for women. Tears is natural.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW was once reported to have said that,
'If you know what I know, you will cry more and laugh less'.
May Allah blessed us with tears, the kind that will save us from the fire of hell.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A Reflection

Lexus IS250C Convertible.
My dream car, will remain in my dream.
It's not going to be a reality.

I began to take interest of convertible cars when I visited Europe last year. I used to dislike the idea of a roofless vehicle considering the climate of our country. But the latest model of convertible cars where the roof can be opened or closed in just 20 seconds with the touch of a button is very appealing. Awesome!

I saw many convertibles on the road in Europe, especially in Switzerland.
Besides the 'affordable' price,
the cool and pleasant climate there can be one of the major contributing factor to their preference to this type of car.
After a long cold winter, spring and summer are just too nice to be wasted by staying indoor, and driving a roofless vehicle allows you to enjoy the weather to the fullest.
Hence a convertible is a logical choice.

But besides the vehicles, almost everything that I saw there symbolized the standard of living of the Europeans. The houses, the ultra-modern facilities and technologies. The tunnels and bridges on the mountainous highways, the cable cars and the extremely delicious Swiss chocolate! Well.. may be chocolate does not signify a standard of living, but Swiss chocolate is in a class of it's own, at least to me.

When we visited downtown Zurich on a Sunday while almost all of the shops were closed, we enjoy looking through the glass doors to the branded items on display. As we always say in Malay, 'cleansing the eyes'.
And I still remember my visit to the famous Harrods in London. Walking along rows of Dior clothings, Jimmy Choo shoes, Marc Jacobs handbags, Prada, Louis Vuitton and Versace etc, etc. The aura of high fashion and classy, elegant life style did get into my head. I would be lying to say I am not attracted to any of that. But, I don't see any logic in spending RM4900 for a handbag, no matter how classy it is (that's the price of a Prada handbag that caught my attention).

And when I reached home, back to my humble place, I began to reflect.. is this what people in the world had worked hard for? Losing sleeps, sacrificing families and loved ones in pursuit of the so called high class life style?
Then I reflected back on the fact that despite the beautiful scenic country that they lived in and the relatively very peaceful life, the large majority of Europeans are not blessed with the light of Islam. How is it that most of them couldn't see the greatness of The Creator through the majestic mountains, the beautiful spring flowers, the crystal clear streams and the bright sunny day that they love so much?

My vacation to Europe has taught me a lot.
I am thankful to HIM, The All-Merciful, The Guide, The Light.
All praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.
Ya Hadi
Ya Nuur
Guide me to your light

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Take Five....

My dream car will stay in my dream.

Watch this.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Divine Intervention

When on a journey to an unfamiliar place, there are times that we lost our way. Worst still we could be heading to a dangerous road where we have to make a sudden turn for the sake of our safety.
May be we had already been on the wrong road for quite a distance while not realizing it but the signboards warn us of the danger and we have to abide by it.

My life had taken an unexpected turn when I fell sick for almost two weeks recently. This is the second time in my career life that I took a long leave while classes are still on. The first time was when I was wheeled into an emergency room and I ended up having to go for a major surgery. Subsequently, I was given one month medical leave leaving my students in the middle of a semester. Needless to say, my life had never been the same after that. Some major changes took place and my life moved on to a new episode. I found a deeper spiritual dimension that I never thought possible for my self.

This time around, another change took place, and it involved someone I sincerely care about.
Being sick for a long time where the normal medication only made a short term relief, I was deeply worried and was praying for a divine intervention and it came in a way that was unexpected. May Allah make this a change for the better. I have always believe that everything happen for a reason and it is always for the best. Likening myself to a tree, I see right now that some of my branches had broken, the leaves had started to fall and the stem is weakening from being fiercely shaken.

But I hope and pray that Allah will shower me with divine rain of mercy and forgiveness so that my roots would remain strong and for each broken branch a new stronger one will grow, the fallen leaves will turn into compost that will feed the roots.

Thank you Allah for giving me this test, I am looking back at the roads that I took because you are now calling me back. Each time I am being tested, it is a reminder that you are always there watching over me. I am tracing back my mistakes and carelessness and slowly taking baby steps in the new direction.

As human, we are actually a spiritual creature who's being given a chance to experience the physical world in order to be tested. We are also equipped with emotional dimension. Therefore when we are hurt, it could be out of physical, emotional or spiritual injuries. I went through a spiritual injury that had unfortunately affected me both physically and emotionally. The pain was therefore physical, emotional and spiritual, but with the mercy from Allah, I am recovering, Alhamdulillah.

But I believe this test is not solely for me, it is also meant for the other person.
To you out there, it's time for you to stop for a while and ponder deeply about this journey. Life is short, do not waste it with temporary enjoyment. Allah is Most Merciful, He is also watching over you very closely. Let's together make amendments while we still have the time.
We are not perfect. Our past history is full of mistakes and stupidity that shall not be repeated and the future does not promise an easy ride, there will be more bumpy roads, hills and valleys. But Allah has created everything so beautiful. We only need positive attitude, patience and perseverance to go through the journey while enjoying the scenery.

I look forward for the day when you are wearing the graduation robe, happily celebrating your excellent academic achievement while your heart remain humble and your faith is soaring high.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Weeds...weeds..Go Away!

My garden is full of weeds! They are everywhere and in some parts of the garden they have taken over the whole area. They make my garden looks ugly.

And what makes it worst, my garden can bee seen clearly by my backyard neighbour. Once they look out their kitchen window they will see my garden. In fact I think they see my garden more frequently than me. I have to get out of my house to see my garden but they can see my garden from inside their house.

So, as a short term solution, I decided that the monthly routine of mowing the lawn has to changed. The lawn has to be mowed more frequently, may be twice a month or even once week. Why? Well..monthly mowing fit the growth of the grass, but the weeds grows a lot faster and taller than my beloved beautiful grass. While the grass are still showing off it's beauty, the weeds are kind of taking the centre stage and attracting everyone's attention.

By mowing the lawn frequently, I hope I can hide the weeds, they are still there but at the same height as the grass. From afar, you will just see the green lawn eventhough it is actually a mixture of grass and weeds. But I would still do the weeding, I have to pull out these annoying plants because I know they are not grass. Other people might not see them, but I see them, I know they are there. It's my garden, I know what's in there.

Others might say, "Your garden is nice, beautiful.."
I would say to them, "No, my garden is full of weeds..you don't see them because they are hidden, but they are everywhere..I am very worried that they are going to take over the whole garden, it is progressing steadily..if I don't keep up with them I will lose this battle.."

Weeding the garden is difficult but not as difficult as weeding my heart. There are weeds everywhere, they grow every minute and I have to keep up with this battle continuously. Some weeds have been there for a very long time and I still can't pull them out..God, help me..because there are times that I can't recognize them. These dangerous weeds sometimes looked very attractive and deceiving. They even grow pretty flowers...

Sometimes, out of desperation I just hide these weeds so that they can't be seen.
But, who am I trying to fool? I know they're there...so what if people don't see them? Allah can see them...
Who is your judge? Human or Allah?

I have to be honest, but in my effort to be honest, I find that being honest to myself is the most difficult. Cheating others is not my habit but I do frequently cheat myself. Telling myself that it is okay when I know it is not.

Ya Quddus..
Ya Salaam..
I need your intervention
I need your help
I need you..

Friday, October 16, 2009

Benarkah Itu Adalah Cinta?

"Antara cinta dan keinginan untuk memiliki, tidak sama.."

Sebuah dialog di penghujung filem 'Ayat-ayat Cinta', sebuah filem yang diadaptasikan dari novelnya yang terkenal.

Dialog itu kedengaran begitu misteri dan sukar difahami. Bukankah setelah cinta itu hadir, secara nalurinya kita memang ingin memiliki sesuatu yang kita cintai itu?

Cinta adalah satu perkataan yang sering disalahertikan bahkan adakalanya disalahgunakan.

Berapa banyaknya insan yang kecundang diperjalanan hidupnya akibat 'cinta'? Ramai yang gagal memahami bahawa cinta adalah suci dan tidak ada kaitan langsung dengan perlakuan maksiat.
Cinta yang suci hanya difahami oleh insan yang tulus hatinya dan tidak akan sanggup menodai kesucian hatinya sendiri.

Seringkali kita mengalami perasaan ingin memiliki sesuatu yang kita cintai. Hati dan jiwa ini harus dididik dengan sungguh-sungguh bahawa mencintai tidak sama dengan memiliki. Bahkan adakalanya mencintai bererti membebaskan sesuatu yang kita miliki, kerana kita hanyalah pemilik sementara.

Apa saja yang kita 'miliki' didunia ini tidaklah kekal. Suatu hari ianya akan pergi, hilang atau kembali ke tempat asalnya. Apakah yang kita 'miliki' di dunia ini? Ayah, ibu, keluarga, harta, kesihatan, pangkat yang tinggi, bahkan tubuh badan kita sendiri.. itu semua akan hilang.

Seorang ibu yang sudah pasti amat mencintai anaknya harus memahami bahawa anaknya itu bukan miliknya. Justeru, si ibu tidak mempunyai pilihan selain menjaga dan memelihara anaknya mengikut panduan Pemiliknya yang sebenar.
Seorang ibu yang memupuk semangat jihad dihati anak-anaknya amat memahami siapa pemilik sebenar anak-anak itu. Ia sangat memahami untuk apa anak-anak itu dilahirkan dari rahimnya, bukan untuk dimiliki tetapi untuk dididik agar sama-sama mengenal dan mencintai Pemiliknya. Dan ibu itu merindukan hari bahagia dikala anak-anak itu kembali kepada Pemiliknya dengan lumuran darah perjuangan mengejar cinta yang abadi. Lapang hatinya kerana tugas dan amanah berat yang ditanggungnya selama ini telah selesai, insan yang dipinjamkan telahpun dikembalikan kepada Pemilik yang asal.

Nabi Ibrahim AS, ketika menyembelih anaknya sendiri telah mengajarkan kepada kita apakah itu cinta yang sebenar.
Mungkin inilah gambaran luahan hati insan agung itu, insan pembina Kaabah yang mulia itu, bapa kepada para nabi itu..
memang aku mencintaimu, sangat mencintaimu..
bertahun lamanya aku menunggu kelahiranmu,
namun kemudian kau kutinggalkan di padang pasir yang tandus,
kini aku kembali hanya untuk menyembelihmu..dengan tanganku sendiri..
aku sangat mencintaimu, tetapi aku tidak berhak memilikimu,
kerana kau sudah dimiliki, kau dan aku dimiliki oleh Pemilik yang sama,
dan Pemilik itu sangat mencintaimu..
dan aku lebih mencintai Pemilikku..
inilah bukti Cinta kita kepadaNya

Sebarkanlah cinta dan kasih sayang dengan ikhlas kepada semua, namun sentiasalah ingat bahawa setiap yang dicintai itu bukan untuk dimiliki, kerana semuanya telah mempunyai pemiliknya.
Sesungguhnya kita tidak memiliki apa-apa di dunia ini. Dunia ini sudah ada pemiliknya.
Jangan cintai apa yang kita miliki, dan jangan cuba memiliki apa yang kita cintai.
Cintailah DIA, Pemilik kita, Yang Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang, Maha Mulia, Maha Agung
Yang kekal abadi.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Terima kasih Diatas Ketulusan Kalian

Alhamdulillah majlis 'Reunion' yang dirancang telahpun berjalan dengan lancar.
28 tahun yang lalu kami adalah pelajar tingkatan lima yang ditakdirkan berada di dalam satu kelas yang sama. Di situlah liku-liku perjalanan hidup kami dipertemukan Allah untuk selama hampir dua tahun menimba ilmu demi masa depan masing-masing.

Kini pada usia 45 tahun Allah mempertemukan kami sekali lagi, tetapi bukanlah secara kebetulan sahaja, ianya telah dirancang dengan sungguh-sungguh oleh beberapa orang insan yang begitu tulus hatinya.
Sudah tentulah pertemuan kami 28 tahun yang lalu juga bukan secara kebetulan, Allah lah yang merancang segala-galanya. Tetapi bezanya ialah pertemuan kali ini adalah semata-mata didasari oleh rasa persahabatan sejati yang tidak mengenal perbezaan latar belakang dan pencapaian peribadi. Mereka yang merancang pertemuan ini sesungguhnya tidak mempunyai sebarang kepentingan apa-apa, semuanya dilakukan semata-mata untuk mengeratkan hubungan silaturrahim.

Pertemuan di bulan Syawal ini menepati saranan ulama' yang mengatakan bahawa disamping menziarahi saudara mara, sebaik-baiknya di bulan ini kita menziarahi atau bertemu dengan insan-insan yang sudah lama terputus hubungan dengan kita.

Pertemuan istimewa ini kuyakini dirasakan amat bermakna dan begitu menggembirakan kerana semua yang terlibat begitu ikhlas menghadirkan diri. Tiada sebarang upacara rasmi yang merimaskan hanya pertemuan santai yang melapangkan hati dimana adab-adab pergaulan tetap terjaga di sulami gurau senda yang melucukan dan mengimbau kenangan lama zaman remaja yang penuh dengan 'keserabutan'.

Alhamdulillah, syukur kepada Allah, pada usia ini kami dikurniakan kematangan fikiran dan hati dalam menerima semua teman-teman sekolah ini seadanya. Setelah dipertemukan Allah untuk dua tahun di sekolah, masing-masing telah melalui jalan sendiri yang berbeza kerana setiap manusia telah disediakan Allah dengan ujian yang khusus baginya.
Masing-masing telah melalui pelbagai pengalaman pahit manis, suka duka dalam meneruskan pelajaran, membina kerjaya dan alam rumah tangga. Sudah pasti di celah-celah kejayaan yang dicapai, ada diantara kami yang pernah jatuh, mengalami luka dan kecederaan yang parah di sepanjang perjalanan ini. Disamping airmata kegembiraan tentu banyak juga airmata kedukaan telah dititiskan dalam kehidupan ini.

Secara pandangan kasar, meskipun kita boleh mengatakan dia ini lebih berjaya dari yang itu, namun pada hakikatnya ujian hidup ini belum selesai selagi kita masih bernafas. Belum masanya lagi untuk kita menentukan siapakah yang berjaya dan siapakah yang tidak berjaya, dan bukan manusia yang berhak menilai kejayaan kita.

Langkah-langkah kehidupan masih perlu diteruskan dan segala kekuatan harus terus dikumpulkan untuk mencari bekalan pulang ke alam yang abadi dimana segala usaha akan diadili oleh Yang Maha Adil.

Walaupun begitu, pertemuan ini telah menyaksikan bahawa setiap orang masih tetap tabah dan mampu tersenyum dan tertawa. Alhamdulillah..sesungguhnya hanya kepada Allah sahaja segala pujian dan syukur harus ditujukan di atas segala nikmat yang dikurniakan.

Di doakan semuga Allah memberikan ganjaran sebaik-baiknya kepada semua insan yang bertanggungjawab di dalam pertemuan ini. Yakinlah, malaikat telah mencatat segala kebaikan kalian untuk dihadapkan kepadaNya nanti.

Ya Allah
Ya Rahmaan
Ya Rahiim
Berkati lah persahabatan kami ini
Ya Ghaffar
Ampunkanlah dosa-dosa dan kesilapan kami
Ya Jaami'
Kumpulkan lah kami sekali lagi
Di suatu hari nanti dalam kegembiraan yang abadi
Amiin Ya Arhamarrahimiin..